Twelve: Apologies, Willa Maureen, and Wanting Motherhood

   "Thanks for coming over."

   "No problem." I smiled, hoping Harrison's mood was so cheery that even my dreadful, guilty secret couldn't ruin it. I asked if I could come over under the guise of concern. I'm still filming in New Orleans and Katie was heavily pregnant, surely she shouldn't be moving heavy nursery furniture! Let me help, it's the least I could do. "So, do you think it's a boy or a girl?" We were decorating the nursery in gender neutral primary colors, since Katie insisted she wanted to be surprised and didn't want to receive a bunch of foolishly gendered products at the baby shower. 

   "I'm not supposed to be speculating, but I think it's a girl."

   "Really? Why?" A niece would be adorable! I could get her a little pink princess dress and a doctor's coat and a batman costume and we could play dress up and Auntie Ronnie would be the coolest aunt ever. 

   "She has the same cravings mom had when she was pregnant with you and..." He trailed off, not mentioning my twin sister. I never thought about her, I didn't consider myself to be a twin, nor did I consider myself to have two siblings. It made me an awful person, probably, but I just couldn't do it. One of my coworkers had a miscarriage and my heart broke for her, but I didn't understand why she said that she was having baby number two, when she got pregnant again. Not that a heart problem was comparable to a miscarriage. Pregnancy and baby talk terrified me; I knew so little, I could offend someone so easily. 

   "What would you name her?" I quickly changed the subject, not wanting to dwell on the thoughts of death for long. 

   "We were thinking Willa Maureen if she's a girl or Theo Augustus if he's a boy."

   "Cute. Unique." He shrugged, as if to suggest the names weren't that outlandish. "I, um... Harrison, I have something to confess."

   "What?" Worry molded him face into one of wrinkles and apprehension. 

   "It's nothing terrible, just... I-" How could I delicately phrase this? We'd just kissed, but still. "Had relations with Avery." Had relations with? Who the fuck, was I  Bill Clinton? Why did I phrase it like that? 

   "Relations?" He raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

   "I'm sorry! Look, she's bi and we were drunk and we just... We kissed! And you're the one who suggested I take her out for a girls' night! And, and it's been killing me keeping it from you, but I'm not telling you to be judged! I'm sorry. It hasn't happened again, I just wanted you to know, because..."

   "Look, Ronnie, it's no big deal. You just kissed, Katie told me how drunk you were... What did you think would happen if you told me? I'd exile you from my life?" He chuckled, shaking his head. "You're my sister and we all make mistakes."
   "Wait? Seriously?" I'd been fretting for so goddamn long and he was perfectly fine with it?
   "Yeah, now it's like eleven and Katie's already in bed, I think I'm going to hit the sack, too..." He sighed, gesturing towards the twin bed that was going to be Colin's soon. He and Katie had decided to try and fight for partial custody. "It's made up and everything, the bathroom's across the hall... Hell, I'm talking to you like you've never stayed here."

   "Harrison..." I leaned forward, hugging him. "Thank you."
   "For what?"
   "Just... Being a great brother."
   "I couldn't be a great big brother if I didn't have such a great little sister."
   "Stop, you're making me blush." I playfully swatted at him. He paused, glancing towards the door.
   "Do you hear that?"
   "Hear wha-"
   "AAHH!" A yelp interpreted my question.
   "Katie!" He screamed, bolting out of the nursery, towards the master bedroom.

   Everything turned into a blur, Harrison was rushing Katie to the hospital, I was catching a cab and calling mom and Avery. I walked around the waiting room, anxiously waiting as news, as Harrison occasionally popped in, telling me things I didn't want to know about my sister-in-law's vagina. Five, six, six and a half, seven, eight, nine, then ten centimeters dilated. She'd be being told to push, push, push! And breath. Remember to breath. I once played a character that went into labor. I had to fake I couldn't imagine the treachery of childbirth. When I was in that role, I decided I would never go through that in real life, but as Harrison burst into the waiting room, his face elated as he announced that Katie had a smooth and relatively pain free delivery -- thanks to the epidural -- I felt a shift in my heart. I wanted a child. I didn't think I ever would, but as I walked into the hospital room, seeing Katie holding my niece, her and Harrison's daughter, the brilliantly beautiful Willa Maureen, I felt my heart aching for someone to love and care for. Someone who could teach me things I'd never dreamed of learning, someone who I could nurture and teach things to. I wanted a baby. I wanted motherhood.

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Twelve: Nightmare

   "Can you believe it? I'm getting married soon... Sandi, how's my makeup? Too much? I, just, damn, I want to see James, why does he have to believe in this ridiculous no seeing each other thing?"

   "Lavender, you need to take a few deep breaths." Sandi reassured me, gently patting my arm. "You're gorgeous, a glowing bride."
   "Can you... Go make sure that the cab to take us to the museum's here. Please? I'll change into my gown there."
   "Of course." She smiled, moving towards the apartment door. She slowly opened it, gasping. "I, uh... Quinn? Hello." Her voice was hushed, as she stuttered, glancing back towards me. She hadn't been informed that Quinn and I had a rather short relationship last year until I'd accidental called Quinn my ex when we'd been chatting on the phone.

   "I'm sorry, I just wanted to wish Lav a happy wedding day, I know I didn't RSVP, I was passing by and... Sorry. I can go."

   "Oh, uh, no, I mean-" Sandi looked at me, her eye brows raised apprehensively, as I shrugged, perched on the sofa in my wedding pumps, hoodie, and jean cut offs, mouthing 'sure she can come in'. "You can come in." She exited the apartment, as Quinn stepped in, cautiously.

   "I'm sorry, Lav, I just... We were such good friends, I wanted to congratulate you."

   "It's fine, Jesus, Quinn, you know how much I miss our friendship." A small smile appeared on her face, as she sat on the sofa across from me. "How are you?"

   "Me?" She chuckled, glancing down at her feet. "Darling, you're the one getting married in less than three hours, I should be asking you how you are."

   "I'm nervous, I love James, but-" I bite me lip, as Quinn's cheeks turned crimson. I never told her that I'd loved her, she'd told me, but... Why was I thinking about our relationship? She'd stopped by, her intentions clearly weren't misguided, she was just being polite. We dealt with the fact that we used to date everyday at work, dealt meaning that we mostly smiled, went through the versions small talk conversational points, and ignored the past. "Marriage... I'm getting married! I'm so, is this bad, I'm not hesitant, James..." I trailed off, looking at her, my eyes wide, as she looked at me.

   "James is a good man, Lav, besides it's normal to feel nervous, it's a big commitment, but it's one you seem ready for... Every time you talk about him, you eyes light up a little bit, there's an extra flounce in your step; you're instantaneously happier, you obviously love him, you obviously care deeply for him and he'd be insane not to feel the same." Her voice was calm, reassuring.

   "You're right, you're right... What if, what if I'm not? I mean, we've known each other like six months and he's been married before, he knows what he's doing, or at least he isn't diving into the deep end with his eyes taped shut. and I'm clueless, an amateur."

   "No one knows what they're doing in marriage, it doesn't matter who they are, they don't. You and James are wonderful together, you'll figure things out."

   "Thank you Quinn, I'm sorry... I'm unloading all my feelings onto you, I don't want to burden you."

   "You aren't, if anything I feel like I'm burdening you. Is there anything you need? I can swing by a few places or get you something to drink..."

   "There's Everclear in the top cabinet and Gatorade in the fridge, can you-"

   "Take one ounce of each an layer them in a shot glass?" I nodded, as she stood. "I remember." She moved to the kitchen, I heard her opening the fridge, as did Skedaddles, who raced into the kitchen, sliding on the tile.

   "Meoooww!" He yowled, as I heard Quinn sigh, exclaiming how she knew he never liked her. 

   "Here ya go."  She handed me a shot glass with the words 'Smokey Mama's Bar and Grill' printed on the side in large, red times new Roman. I took the glass from her, swinging my head back, bringing the orange liquid to my lips, as it burned my throat.
   "What... What if I'm not ready..."
   "Hush darling..." She brought her finger to my lips.
   "You know, I didn't even have a bachelorette party, I never got to have one crazy night..."
   "Perhaps you can have one last crazy morning." She smiled, a playful smirk, as she stood, off the sofa, taking my hand.
   "This morning's crazy, but not bac- oooh." It hit me, as I leaned forward, the scent of her perfume, lilacs and honeysuckle, a floral summer, enchanted me.

   "Lav, the car's here and so is James' mo- What the hell?!" The sound of the front door opening, being gentle shut, the clicking of heel against the wood floor- the kiss had muted it all.

   "You bloody harlet! You want to wed my son, yet here you are, snogging another woman!"
   "No, no, no I-I, no! I wasn't! No, I love James, I want to marry him, no, I-"
   "I saw very well what you were doing and as his mum, it's my duty to inform him of his fiancee's unfaithfulness."
   "Ms. Colton, please, please no..." I begged, as Quinn sneered, Sandi glanced aside, avoided the conflict.

♢ ♢ ♢

   "Aaah!" I bolted myself awake up screaming, sweaty. "I love James, I love James..." I whispered, reassuring myself that it was just a dream. It was just a nightmare and we were going to be getting married in thirteen days. It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare, it meant nothing. I hadn't asked Sandi to call Quinn, at the last minute I decided it'd be horrible to invite an ex to a wedding; if years of watching sitcoms taught me one thing, it was that.

   I glanced to right, seeing the side perfectly made, instead of my fiance peacefully dozing on the pink pillow. Skeddadles was lazily lounging on his kitty bed, staring at me with his wide, raven eyes.

   "What's James doing up at," I paused, glancing at my bedside clock. "Three am?"

   "Meeeow." The tabby replied, as if to say that he was a cat and I was better suited getting up and going into the living room to ask someone who was capable of talking than musing to my furry friend.

   The air was warm, heavy, as I stood up, shedding the thin duvet, stretching, yawning. I padded my way over to the bedroom door, throwing it open to see the blonde perched in front of the computer, dark circles under his eyes.

   "What are you doing up, darling? This is the only night this week that you didn't have to work..." His job was tedious, long hours; I didn't like him being a 911 dispatcher, it was too close to being a cop and he had to leave to go take over for someone at a moment's notice. He'd come home some nights, terrified recounting what people had called in saying, someone was in their home, their was a fire and their dog was trapped, a toddler fell off a swing and had passed out.

   "I have bad news, I wanted to remedy it before telling you." He looked at me, biting his lip, as I leaned against the desk.

   "Remedy? Remedy what?"

   "The art musuem... Today I received a call stating that they'd had a small fire, they were hosting a banquet, there were candles, things got out of hand, we're receiving a refund, however we can't be wed there..."

   "Oh thank gods."

   "Pardon?" Befuddlement painted his face, as I began to explain.

   "I had a horrid nightmare, I know it wasn't real, but right now our venue being screwed up isn't nearly as bad, as long as we're getting married, I'm alright."

   "Are you sure? I was terrified you'd be petrified, want to completely reschedule."

   "Oh, darling, don't worry." I smiled, as he leaned forward, kissing me softly. "How were you remedying it?"

   "Our honeymoon was scheduled the day after the wedding, instead of having an intimate gathering here on the date we picked, we could fly your parents and my mum out to Hawaii with us, get married there, there's a cruise that starts the day after, we could stick the parents on it so we would have alone time. I've contacted the airline and the cruise company and we can get the tickets, I've asked the people were renting the beach house if we could rent out one of their larger homes to accommodate the parents, they agreed, so overall it's a bit more because it's last minute, but isn't too much more than the venue, the band, caterers, flowers, and everything. I'd be marrying you, though, so I don't really give a damn about the cost." Be married in Hawaii? It sounded romantic, a private ceremony, the ceremony here was supposed to be intimate, only close friends and family, now it'd be even more so. "What do you say?"

   "I think it's a grand idea."

   We were getting married in Hawaii; my nightmares could go to hell, this wedding was going to be perfect.

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