"No problem." I smiled, hoping Harrison's mood was so cheery that even my dreadful, guilty secret couldn't ruin it. I asked if I could come over under the guise of concern. I'm still filming in New Orleans and Katie was heavily pregnant, surely she shouldn't be moving heavy nursery furniture! Let me help, it's the least I could do. "So, do you think it's a boy or a girl?" We were decorating the nursery in gender neutral primary colors, since Katie insisted she wanted to be surprised and didn't want to receive a bunch of foolishly gendered products at the baby shower.
"I'm not supposed to be speculating, but I think it's a girl."
"Really? Why?" A niece would be adorable! I could get her a little pink princess dress and a doctor's coat and a batman costume and we could play dress up and Auntie Ronnie would be the coolest aunt ever.
"She has the same cravings mom had when she was pregnant with you and..." He trailed off, not mentioning my twin sister. I never thought about her, I didn't consider myself to be a twin, nor did I consider myself to have two siblings. It made me an awful person, probably, but I just couldn't do it. One of my coworkers had a miscarriage and my heart broke for her, but I didn't understand why she said that she was having baby number two, when she got pregnant again. Not that a heart problem was comparable to a miscarriage. Pregnancy and baby talk terrified me; I knew so little, I could offend someone so easily.
"What would you name her?" I quickly changed the subject, not wanting to dwell on the thoughts of death for long.
"We were thinking Willa Maureen if she's a girl or Theo Augustus if he's a boy."
"Cute. Unique." He shrugged, as if to suggest the names weren't that outlandish. "I, um... Harrison, I have something to confess."
"What?" Worry molded him face into one of wrinkles and apprehension.
"It's nothing terrible, just... I-" How could I delicately phrase this? We'd just kissed, but still. "Had relations with Avery." Had relations with? Who the fuck, was I Bill Clinton? Why did I phrase it like that?
"Relations?" He raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"
"I'm sorry! Look, she's bi and we were drunk and we just... We kissed! And you're the one who suggested I take her out for a girls' night! And, and it's been killing me keeping it from you, but I'm not telling you to be judged! I'm sorry. It hasn't happened again, I just wanted you to know, because..."
"Look, Ronnie, it's no big deal. You just kissed, Katie told me how drunk you were... What did you think would happen if you told me? I'd exile you from my life?" He chuckled, shaking his head. "You're my sister and we all make mistakes."
"Wait? Seriously?" I'd been fretting for so goddamn long and he was perfectly fine with it?
"Yeah, now it's like eleven and Katie's already in bed, I think I'm going to hit the sack, too..." He sighed, gesturing towards the twin bed that was going to be Colin's soon. He and Katie had decided to try and fight for partial custody. "It's made up and everything, the bathroom's across the hall... Hell, I'm talking to you like you've never stayed here."
"Harrison..." I leaned forward, hugging him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Just... Being a great brother."
"I couldn't be a great big brother if I didn't have such a great little sister."
"Stop, you're making me blush." I playfully swatted at him. He paused, glancing towards the door.
"Do you hear that?"
"Hear wha-"
"AAHH!" A yelp interpreted my question.
"Katie!" He screamed, bolting out of the nursery, towards the master bedroom.
Everything turned into a blur, Harrison was rushing Katie to the hospital, I was catching a cab and calling mom and Avery. I walked around the waiting room, anxiously waiting as news, as Harrison occasionally popped in, telling me things I didn't want to know about my sister-in-law's vagina. Five, six, six and a half, seven, eight, nine, then ten centimeters dilated. She'd be being told to push, push, push! And breath. Remember to breath. I once played a character that went into labor. I had to fake I couldn't imagine the treachery of childbirth. When I was in that role, I decided I would never go through that in real life, but as Harrison burst into the waiting room, his face elated as he announced that Katie had a smooth and relatively pain free delivery -- thanks to the epidural -- I felt a shift in my heart. I wanted a child. I didn't think I ever would, but as I walked into the hospital room, seeing Katie holding my niece, her and Harrison's daughter, the brilliantly beautiful Willa Maureen, I felt my heart aching for someone to love and care for. Someone who could teach me things I'd never dreamed of learning, someone who I could nurture and teach things to. I wanted a baby. I wanted motherhood.
"Wait? Seriously?" I'd been fretting for so goddamn long and he was perfectly fine with it?
"Yeah, now it's like eleven and Katie's already in bed, I think I'm going to hit the sack, too..." He sighed, gesturing towards the twin bed that was going to be Colin's soon. He and Katie had decided to try and fight for partial custody. "It's made up and everything, the bathroom's across the hall... Hell, I'm talking to you like you've never stayed here."
"Harrison..." I leaned forward, hugging him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Just... Being a great brother."
"I couldn't be a great big brother if I didn't have such a great little sister."
"Stop, you're making me blush." I playfully swatted at him. He paused, glancing towards the door.
"Do you hear that?"
"Hear wha-"
"AAHH!" A yelp interpreted my question.
"Katie!" He screamed, bolting out of the nursery, towards the master bedroom.
Everything turned into a blur, Harrison was rushing Katie to the hospital, I was catching a cab and calling mom and Avery. I walked around the waiting room, anxiously waiting as news, as Harrison occasionally popped in, telling me things I didn't want to know about my sister-in-law's vagina. Five, six, six and a half, seven, eight, nine, then ten centimeters dilated. She'd be being told to push, push, push! And breath. Remember to breath. I once played a character that went into labor. I had to fake I couldn't imagine the treachery of childbirth. When I was in that role, I decided I would never go through that in real life, but as Harrison burst into the waiting room, his face elated as he announced that Katie had a smooth and relatively pain free delivery -- thanks to the epidural -- I felt a shift in my heart. I wanted a child. I didn't think I ever would, but as I walked into the hospital room, seeing Katie holding my niece, her and Harrison's daughter, the brilliantly beautiful Willa Maureen, I felt my heart aching for someone to love and care for. Someone who could teach me things I'd never dreamed of learning, someone who I could nurture and teach things to. I wanted a baby. I wanted motherhood.
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